1 year post college and 6 months post marriage ahhhhhh!!!

Well hello again… it’s been a while. This is going to have to be short, I don’t have much time. So… I was thinking recently that i’ve reached a point of needed reflection. I’ve been out of school for a year and i’ve been married for 6 months. I mean, wow, where does the stinkin time go? The other day I was thinking about what my life was like 5 years ago. And I suddenly felt a little sick to my stomach. My life 5 years ago was not pretty. It makes me cringe to think about. In fact, the past five years can be characterized as me turning from pitiful patti to… stable Allie. These past five years God has steadily been changing me. From the age of zero till about 17 I was the silliest, goofiest girl everrr. Then when I moved for the first time my senior year of highschool life changed, and I changed with it. For the first time in my life I didn’t feel accepted by anyone and I certainly didn’t feel loved. As far as I knew no one cared who I was. No one wanted to listen to what I had to say. It was devastating. But I kept it in and it took a toll on me. I became extremely insecure. I have some serious scars from that last year of high school, and its taken the past five years of continuous neosporin to heal them. There are very few people who I can relax around and feel the freedom to be me, silly allie. Everyone else in the world, well, thats been a challenge. Whenever someone said anything to me I would analyze it to death and always assume the worst. Talk about miserable. Yeesh. It’s not fun to always be worried about other people, and what they think about you. Actually, its a sin. It’s self-pity. I couldn’t do anything about it on my own though. I needed people. I needed them to love on me and not stop. I needed to believe in God, in his word, and in his promises. I needed to believe that the only opinion i needed was His. The only image of myself I needed was Christ’s. These realities of Jesus are becoming so true in my heart. I have not done anything to earn it but Christ has given me security in Him. For the first time in my life Jesus is more important to me than what anyone thinks of me. My boss isn’t a christian and she finds lots of opportunities to label me a goody-too-shoes and poke fun of anything she can conjure up. Normally that would totally hurt my feelings, ruin my day, and ruin my job. But I don’t care what she thinks of me. I know truth, and truth is that her words don’t define me. Resting in Jesus frees me up to love on her despite how she talks to me. In some ways I feel like i’ve made it. But what’s humbling is thinking that five years from now, i’ll cringe thinking of myself now.  

On a lighter note. The bakery job is going well! I like playing with sugar all day and I love the girls I work with. I’m catering manager what what! There are lots of things i’d like to see change with how the business is managed. But its still in its beginning stages so i’m hoping things improve with time. The other day my boss sat me down for a progress report and told me my sandwich speed could be a little faster. Apparently I don’t cut bagels fast enough. I told her I would focus on that. Later that night I did a little online job searching… sometimes I don’t feel like this job is worth it. But all in all, its great, I can’t complain.  Lots to say about marriage but i’ll save that for another time. 

Annnnd… we made carmel apples!!!!!!

Letting go of me

I’ve been doing some reflecting today. Reflecting on my life in Orlando. And on life in general, but mostly on the growth in my life over the past four months. During a particularly hard and confusing time, a wise woman told me that when you’re stuck in life, just live in it. She was saying that when you’re going through a difficult situation or perhaps just an extended period of hardship, stop trying to desperately flee, live knowing that this is what your life looks like for the moment. And be okay with it. In fact, know that it is good. God has divinely app0inted every second of your life for His glory.

Ahh, I could rest after hearing all this. I was doing all I could to try and fix everything that was wrong. I felt like a failure because I was struggling. I thought that if I fixed my life, than God would have favor on me and give me more blessings. Because if everything was going dandy in my everyday life, than I would be a good little christian. As unique as I think these thoughts are, I have a feeling that I’m not different than many other christians.

My perception of grace was all wrong. God doesn’t give us grace only on our good days. That is so backwards. I feel a veil lift from my eyes and a peace settle in my heart when I understand more of God’s truth about grace. It’s bigger than all our sins, and it abounds every day, every second, through my bad days, and through my seemingly good days. “Nothing in my hands I bring, simply to the cross I cling”. My faith and joy are not dependent on my circumstances. No they are not. Have you heard of the song “It is Well with my Soul”? The author wrote that song while sitting on a cliff overlooking the spot where his four daughters drowned in a ship wreck. Two years before that, his son died of scarlet fever. In three years, this man lost all 5 of his children, and God gave him the grace to write this song,

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

My sin, oh the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to His cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

I’m about to start crying in the computer lab! It wouldn’t be the first time though… :) I guess it’s normal to be 22 and pondering the question “who am I?”. I think i’ve been wondering that for a long time. But I ask myself that question even more so as I see my personality changing, drastically. As my heart falls deeper into the arms of Christ, my personality is changing and i’m becoming soft, and tender, and settled. I cry all the time now, at little things. Which is really strange for me. I’ve always thought of myself as sarcastic, quick witted, a little rough around the edges, like a street smart business woman/city girl. And I prouded myself that way too. But as the more time goes by since i’ve committed my life to Christ, the more different of a person I become. And I couldn’t be more thankful. My eyes truly have been opened to truth and I feel that as set me free to be more of the person God created me to be. I’m letting go of me, slowly, steadily.

I’m making a St.Patty’s cake today!!!!!! What what!

I quit!!!

Well, I just gave my manager my two weeks. And I feel terrible! This is such a bad feeling. I asked him to speak in private, so we walked into the hallway, and I said, “Aaron, i’ve accepted a job somewhere else and I wanted to give you the courtesy of two weeks notice so you can fill my position.” He just looked at me and said “okay, sounds good”. Bah! What else do you say? I guess I could’ve said thanks for this opportunity… its been great working with you… bla bla bla. My mind just doesn’t think that fast. So it pretty much ended and I walked to my post… I think i’ll write a nice card on my last day of work. Maybe bring in some cookies.

Oh and just to clarify, the bakery is a go! I’m starting in two weeks!! www.davisbakeryandcompany.com Check it out yo! There are still some details that we haven’t completely nailed down. Like my schedule. Which is so important… I know i’m working weekedays, but don’t know what times yet. Yesh! I still have some nervousness about the whole thing. I’m visiting with the owner’s early next week, and we’ll talk specific details. I’m sure i’ll feel more grounded after that happens.

Amish bread was a success for the most part. I made it late last night. Out of a score of 10, the flabor is about an 8!! The moistness is a depressing 4. It’s dry. Boo on that.

Thoughts on men, and other stuff too…

“Not surprisingly, men said they judge themselves- and feel that others judge them- based on the happiness and respect of their wives.”

Bahhhhh!!! Okay, so I read this yesterday, highlighted it, underlined it, and mediated on it practically all day. This is from a book i’m reading about men and its giving me so much insight into my hubs. There are a lot of things in this book that Tyler has already told me, but hearing them spoken in girl language just really speaks to me in a different more understanding way. This book is written by a woman (Shaunti Feldhahn) who is primarily a fiction writer. She was having trouble getting into the head of one of her male characters. So she did some research on men, and was astounded by her findings. So she did LOTS more research and wrote this book. One thing it has helped me do, besides understand Tyler better, is it has really helped me pray for him. As Tyler’s wife, i’m his number one fan, i’m the person who knows him best, therefore I have the advantage of being able to pray for him and root him on unlike anyone else. I love that. Knowing him better helps me know how to pray for him, deeply, and richly. And when I can pray like that my heart is fired up and I love him more and more. I know I have the ability to build him up and push him on when he feels like he can’t go anymore. But reading that sentence made me also realize that I can also hurt him unlike anyone else can. Boo. That just hits a sore spot in me because it brings to mind times when I was a bad, bad wife.

If I walk up to Tyler when he’s with a group and give him a big hello hug and look up at him with a big admiring smile, or, if I tell one of his friends how great he played in his softball game, it seriously makes Tyler’s day. He won’t come out and say that, but I can just tell. Conversely, if I tease him in front of others, it rips him apart. I’ve had a couple times where i’m uncomfortable, and have word vomit come out that has been really hurtful to my husband. It’s nothing outright mean, like “he’s a jerk”, its little stuff like a funny “joke” or a little tease. Things that to girls, are good humored, but to a man, is the death of his respect. If a man’s wife doesn’t respect him how can other people? Oh geez, now that I know how much that affects Tyler, in a bad way, I hope next time im feeling uncomfortable, I’ll just sit there and be awkward, instead of having nasty word vomit come out all over the place. Blaa! Tyler really does love me incredibly well, why shouldn’t I love him back by showing my respect for him around others. Guys are sooo different. It’s hard to make my mind think how they do. But i’m trying. Being a new wife is so many things… strange, fun, emotional, exciting, confusing…

We met with our pastor on Monday to have some post-marriage counseling. We never really had the pre-marriage stuff. One thing he said that just made us laugh was about fighting. He said that women have these claws, and when we fight, we can scratch and be mean, but deep down, we really want the guy to win. Ah, so true! The worst thing he could do is to give up, shut down, and walk away. Even when i’m being a stubborn, all I really want is for Tyler to try harder, never give up, just come and give me a big bear hug for goodness sake!

On a side note- Tyler’s car broke down last week. Horay for a new car! Boo on the money we have to spend on the new car. Yay for me talking to my bakery friends today to set up a start date and earn more $$!! I’m making friendship bread tomorrow and will post my findings :)

Thought for the day…

“Oh sing to the Lord a new song, for he has done marvelous things!” Psalm 98:1

Do you sing when your by yourself? I definitely do. Since I only work part-time I have lots of alone time, and i’ve started pulling out Tyler’s guitar and just singing in our apartment. The other day I sat, pretended that I knew how to play the guitar, and sang my heart out for almost an hour. When i’m alone, and have the freedom to sing, I am pleasantly surprised at my voice. Normally, when i’m with someone, I sheepishly sing a verse here or there, and I sound terrible. Like, people laugh at me because i’m so bad at singing. But when i’m in my apartment, I have the freedom to sing praises to my God who has saved me and given me grace once again. Sweet, amazing grace. And as my heart is transformed, eased, and given sweet peaceful joy, my voice follows suit. Sometimes i’ll put my own words to a worship song. Try it. Sing a new song today. Actually, since i’ve started doing this I’ve become way more comfortable singing in worship with Tyler around. I guess when you practice something in private it becomes normal and comfortable so that eventually you share your privacy with others.

Anywho, I basically have the job at the bakery. But it’s not like 100% settled. I don’t have a schedule set out or an exact start date. Just tentative details. I’m still very nervous that this isn’t going to happen and i’ll be stuck in this computer lab for the rest of my life ahhhhhhh! No not really. Through interviewing with Campus Crusade I learned something about msyelf. And that’s that I want to bake. When  I was in an interview the marketing director asked me, “what is your passion”. The right answer would have been marketing (this is an interview for goodness sake!). But I said “well, honestly, I really love cakes.” She laughed at me and thought that was a ridiculous answer. It’s the truth though. This is what I want to do. I pray that God has so richly blessed me with fulfilling this desire he has given me to play with sugar and share it with others.

“The Lord reigns, let the peoples tremble! He sits enthroned upon the cheribum; let the earth quake! The Lord is great in Zion; he is exalted over all the peoples. Let them praise your great and awesome name! Holy is he! The King in his might loves justice. You have established equity; you have executed justice and righteousness in Jacob. Exalt the Lord our God; worship at his footstool. Holy is he!” Psalm 99

Thoughts on Dunkaroos

My thoughts on dunkaroos are that they are basically amazing. How have I forgotten about them for so long!? Probably because they are only availble at BJ’s and the Dollar Store. They came to mind while I was eating a granola bar and just wasn’t satisfied with its low in fat flav. Why do dunkaroos come to mind?… because I am a sugar junkie. I can’t help myself. I think about it all the time. I recently discovered baking blogs which have taken up a lot of my down time (which is all the time) at work. I just realized that there are lots of blogs out there dedicated to just one thing, like baking, which makes sense. It’s good to have consistency when you’re involving other people. Maybe this blog should be about my baking adventures? While were on the subject of baking, I have news! I have been to talking to a bakery since I moved to Orlando in November. I pretty much asked if they would hire me. And they finally called me this week and offered me a job!!! I don’t know all the details yet… those are coming today or tomorrow when I receive my second phone call. Nervousness is setting in! The only thing with baking is that I would have to get up EARLY. Like 4 am early. I need to pray about this a lot. I want to bake, I always have. And this has been the first opportunity which also came available after I didn’t get a marekting job. Where is God directing me? Do I actually start this new adventure and begin baking? Or is the committment too much? Should I focus on my hubby and stick with my part time lame job. I can always bake as a hobby which is good. Oh life decisions can be so utterly stressful.

I’m also praying about whether I should mentor college girls with Intervaristy here at UCF. I met with the campus minister yesterday. They need someone to meet one-on-one, or one-on-two with their upperclassmen. I would absolutely love this. I work at UCF and I have a heart for these girls that I see every day. Insecurity and my lack of faith in God’s grace is really inhibiting me. I want to do this. I’ve received so much from other people I want to do the same for other young women so they can grow like I have. But I often question what I have to give to others, which in mind seems like nothing. Especially since I honestly can’t help but think of God’s hand in my life dependent on my performance. That’s not truth. Whether I have a horrible day or a great day, whether i’m on a spiritual high or i’m spiritually dry, God’s grace abounds. Time to pray for direction and for peace.

Well… Zach and Natalie are coming today!!! a;liajsd;lfkjasd;lkfj i’m so excited!!!!! We are pumped to have good friends come see us. It’s going to be totally aweomse.

The basement

I prayed for an older woman to disciple me for three years. When I moved to Orlando I forgot about the whole deal mainly b/c I assumed it was an un-answered prayer. But also because I didn’t know anyone in Orlando, and a new friend like that seemed out of the question. I should’ve known God had other plans. He always does! I met a woman named Kathryn who immediately became my friend. Kathryn and her family go to our church and each Sunday she is standing near my chair at the end of the service before I have time to pick up my purse. She asks the best questions. One night I was asking her marriage questions, and must have seemed a little desperate for some wise advice. So she asked if I would like to meet with her on a monthly basis. And I, of course, said yes. I was totally cool about it at the time, but I think I cried a little on the way home. Anyway, we’ve met twice so far and both times have been AWESOME. Kathryn gave me this word picture that made me cry my eyes out. We were talking about meeting Jesus when we’re in a hard place, taking down our walls and letting ourselves be healed by Him. I told Kathryn that, yeah, that sounded great. But how the heck do you do that? So she said this…

“Imagine a house. It’s broken up into four levels. The first level is the attic. It’s a big, rather empty room, where lots of people can hang out. It’s very casual, kind of like daily life. You see people and they ask how you’re doing and you say, ‘Great, i’m doing great!’.

And then you go downstairs. And the second level is the family room. It’s cozy and you spend more time there than in the attic. You sit and talk with friends on a more intentional level. This floor is like church. When someone asks how you’re doing, you say, ‘Things are hard but i’m doing okay’. And you might elaborate a little.

And then you go downstairs again. Now you’re in the kitchen. This is a very functional space. You spend a lot of time here and it can be a little messy. This level is similar to your christian relationships and intentional fellowship. You share your struggles with others and are very honest with them. There is a lot of communication and openness here. It’s a warm and comfortable place.

And then there are the stairs that lead to the basement. This is the place where your secrets are. This place holds the sin that you don’t share with anyone. When I thought of the basement I was terrified to go down there. It’s a scary place, full of toxic, deadly waste, and if I go down there it’ll kill me and i’ll never come up again. The basement is haunted, there are ghosts and deamons. It’s wicked. 

But when I walk down those stairs, in the basement, I find the most cozy little room, with a fire place, and two big chairs facing the fire. And between the chairs is a coffee table. And on the coffee table is a stack of files. Jesus is sitting in one chair and he’s holding a file. He wants to go over them with me, one by one, and just talk about it. I spent hours in the basement. Sometimes i’d just sit on His lap and let Him hold me. The basement is a wonderful place, a healing place. It may be a little scary to go down there at first, but its where my Savior lives… and it’s in my heart.”

Last day of unemployment

Tomorrow I start my job as  a proctor at UCF. I chose to have the morning shift, from 7am-12. And thats to keep myself form doing what i’ve been doing all morning… absolutely nothing. It’s been taking me a while (5 hours on average) to get dressed and out the door, which I don’t like. So i’m looking forward to having to get up at 530 from now on. I had an interview at Campus Crusade for a marketing job that I really want. Going back for another interview at the end of this week. With one job starting and an amazing possibility on the horizon, I’m praising Jesus. 

God has been so faithful these past two months. I am a fearful person. I’ve never liked spending time alone because i’m afraid of being lonely. So i’ve avoided it for a long time, filling my time with friends, work, school, running, etc…. but moving to Orlando has taken the possibility for company away. While Tyler’s at work I spend my time by myself. The first two weeks were a huge struggle. I desperately wanted anything to fill my time and when that didn’t happen it left me miserable. My security was in being busy. I had to slow down, and I did, slowly, as Jesus started showing up in my every day life. He has become my steady friend. I spend every day with Him and talk to Him all day long. I sometimes meet a new friend for lunch, babysit, or hang out with our neighbors. And I’m always amazed at the timing because my social moments come when I need them the most. But, i’ve started LOVING this time to just spend reading and praying and writing and just being a wife. The other day I was cleaning and felt a sudden pain of loneliness, it was as if I could hear in my head someone telling me “you’re all alone”. And I felt terrible thinking that I was in fact alone, it was such a profound statement. I snapped out of it and said in my head, “no, I’m not alone, I have Jesus, He’s always with me”. And that was it. It went away and I went on with my day. Truth. Truth is so powerful. It sets us free. When we know and trust truth we can live as God intended us to live. Free. 

So God has been faithful in many ways to Tyler and I. We had a surprise visit from one of Tyler’s best friends from Knoxville. Tyler was ecstatic! Here’s a cute picture of Tyler and Mike….

Sweet friends

How about some more pictures…. I like this one. We went to the Winter Park Farmer’s Market and are eating in the park nearby. I love this farmer’s market!!! It’s so great. I buy bread from a Lady there. Last time I was there I could have sworn she told me to that if I froze her bread I needed to bake it when I wanted to eat it. So that’s what I did and it turned into a rock. Don’t ever bake bread. It ruins it. She offered to give me cooking lessons after I told her what I did. I thought I was going to get free bread out of it… but I guess cooking lessons are more needed.

I think Tyler has food in his mouth, haha.

Don’t believe that i’m a tard in the kitchen. Haha… here’s is another mishap. It’s supposed to be flat on top. I was making christmas morning rolls at Tyler’s parents house. I felt pretty dumb but Carol and I got a good laugh out of it. There are so many things to write about it as I think about the first two months of marriage. So much learning. So many good books and good verses, great conversations and sweet moments. Best book of the year goes to Heavenly Man. Read it. Best video… “Fruitcake and Ice cream” by Louie Giglio. So good. 

Tyler’s dad, Todd, mentored two guys, Tommy and George when they were in college at UT. Todd became a very close friend of these guys, he was in both of their weddings! Tommy and his wife Kim live in Orlando and took us out to dinner on Saturday. Because Todd had done so much for Tommy, him and Kim have become instant friends and made it clear that they would do anything for us. Tyler and I were so welcomed by this couple. Our time with them, their sweet words of encouragement and friendship left Tyler and I in awe of God’s goodness. I need to thank Todd for loving Tommy.

Such good times :)

A Merry Christmas

I almost forgot about Christmas. Yes, this happened last week and we were in Fairfax for it! Looking back Tyler and I regret not worshipping Christ more. Being in a different place and caught up in the hustle and bustle we were extremely distracted. Luckily we have a second chance! We’re headed to Knoxville this weekend for Christmas #2 with the Kohlbusch fam. I pray that this is a time of worship. That during the weekend we magnify with all our hearts the birth of our savior. 

Here are some pictures from x-mas in f-fax. 

 

Tyler and I with the Bros Christmas Eve

 

Dance Party!

 

The dessert... one of my most favorite things.

 

Christmas Morning

 

 

 

 

 

On a side note I want to take some time to salute my husband whose been feeling a little down at work. Tyler Kohlbusch, you’re a smart man and I, along with dozens of all other people look to you with the utmost respect. You are a combination of so many things that together make you a threat in the business world. Others are going to try and beat you down, tear you apart, and make you look and feel stupid. You will have many enemies Tyler. You road as a christian in the business world will be a narrow one but you are not working for men. You are working for the Kingdom and your purpose is always to bring God glory. When you are weak God is strong. Do not be hopeless or discouraged, In Him we are more than conquerors. I am so excited to watch you grow and do great things for Christ. Life with you will only become richer and more full. 

no money no mo’

Tyler and I instated “no money week” this week. We are not allowed to spend any money unless absolutely needed, like for gas, or to pay for a lost set of keys (by me), or an emergency. We aren’t spending any money on food which is big for us. And an even bigger challenge for Tyler who regularly buys lunch out. Not spending money is a great thing! It makes me appreciate everything I have. And when I look around I see that I have SO much! Being  a new wife I am constantly tempted to spend spend spend. The ways I could use money to improve our home or improve myself are endless. Stepping away from money lets me see the truth and the reality of my life. God is what I desire most.

 Tyler found $5 in his coat pocket yesterday and gave it me. That $5 was such a gift, and seemed so valuable to me. We’re only on day two of our no money week but I have learned that all of our money is God’s. We only have it because God gave it to us. It’s His to begin with and back to Him it should go. Tyler and I decided to tithe to our dear friends who are missionaries at Campus Crusade. Every Sunday when I get online to give our weeks donation to this family, I’m filled with joy. I would carry on our no money weeks to give this family more. Being able to contribute to the Kingdom is my joy.